and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
