This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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