First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
