I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
