I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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