I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
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