i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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