i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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