wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
