I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
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My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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