Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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