goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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