I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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