for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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