I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
