My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
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I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
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I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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