Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
