You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
