I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
