my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
