HIV tests are more positive than that guy
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
