it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
