Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS