call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night