just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are