The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.