I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
