Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
