made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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