omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
