Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Found your dick twin last night
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
