It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
