if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's never too late to be topless.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
