Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
