There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
