I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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