Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
