just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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