it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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