I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
God I need to hump something, right now.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
