I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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