TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
operation have a gay friend backfired
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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