Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize