My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
