It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
