Sorry, I don't speak sober.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
