somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Found your dick twin last night
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
