he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
