ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
