pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
