"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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