I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
