I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
