Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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