the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
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