Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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