well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
