The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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