I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
